


Patience

by onloveslight_wings



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Don't worry, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Even, Insecure Isak, M/M, Manic Episode, Mental Health Issues, Post-Season/Series 03, SKAM - Freeform, Self-Harm, Soft Isak, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, multi-chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-09-21 06:51:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9536693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onloveslight_wings/pseuds/onloveslight_wings
Summary: Isak and Even love each other so much more than themselves. And sometimes that causes problems.~-~Set after the end of season 3.





	1. Chapter 1

“I fell in love with you because you loved me when I couldn’t love myself.”

~-~

Isak slid the key into the lock and turned it, letting himself into his apartment. It was the end of January which meant that final exams were in full force and to be honest the stress was definitely getting to him and Even. But they both only had one more left and then they would have a couple of days to themselves before school started up again. 

“Babe? Are you home?” Isak shouted into the quiet apartment. He knew that Noora was out for lunch with Eva, and Eskild and Linn had either classes or work so Even and him should have the apartment to themselves. Perfect.

“Hmmm…” Isak wondered out loud, dropping his backpack on the floor and opening up the fridge to look at the contents inside. He settled for the chocolate milk and took a swig straight from the carton, knowing he would not get away with that if he was still living at home. Isak ventured into the hallway on his way to the bedroom and thought about where Even could possibly be. He took out his phone and looked at the time. 12:46 and no new text messages. 

“That’s strange,” Isak thought, an uneasy feeling blooming in Isak stomach and spreading to the rest of his body. Isak knows that Even has a shift at the coffee shop tonight but that doesn’t start for another 4 hours. As well, Even had told him just that morning that he would be staying home to study while Isak went to the school for help with his biology. He sat down on his bed and glanced around his room for any clue where Even could be. He was just about to pick up his phone so he could phone him when he heard a loud thump come from somewhere in the apartment. 

“Even?” Isak yelled, dropping his phone beside him and jumping up from his place on the bed to find out where the noise came from. Isak hadn’t noticed any behaviour out of the the ordinary from Even, no sleepless nights, outlandish ideas, or loud and animate speeches from him. Although Even had seemed a bit down the last few days, Isak had assumed it was just stress from exams and university applications. 

“Even? Where are you?” Isak continued to call throughout the apartment, looking for any signs of where he could be. “Babe, are you here?” He shouted and peeked into Eskild and Linn’s bedrooms, which were both empty. Isak’s socked feet slipped on the hardwood floor when he saw a light coming from under the bathroom door. He ran to the door and knocked loudly and tried the doorknob, which unfortunately wouldn't budge.

“Even? Are you in the bathroom?” A small moan came from the other side of the door and a jolt of panic went through Isak’s chest. “Please unlock the door for me Even. Can you do that?” Isak knelt down, pressed his cheek to the ground and peered through the gap in between the door and the floor. A mildly Even shaped lump seemed to be sitting right behind the door. 

“Even, can you hear me?” The lump shuffled a bit but did not make any sound. “I’ve got to go get the screwdriver so I can unlock this door, okay?” Isak scrambled to the kitchen and started opening up the cabinets, desperately looking for where he and his roommates kept miscellaneous items where he could find something that could help him unlock the door that he was sure his boyfriend was dying behind. Finally, after almost tearing the whole kitchen apart, he found a misshapen paperclip and darted back towards the bathroom. 

“I’m right here baby, I’m right here.” Isak said through the door and jammed the paperclip in the hole in the doorknob. He immediately starting fiddling with the device inside and remembered how good he used to be at picking locks in his first year. He sighed with exasperation and thought about how the one time his decline in criminal behaviour wasn’t helping him was right at this very moment. How pleasant. After a difficult minute struggling with the lock, Isak finally heard a loud distinct click and burst into the bathroom. 

The sight that was presented in front of Isak was something out one of his worst nightmares. The sink was filled with water, which had been stained a bright red. There were puddles of blood in various spots on the linoleum floor. As well as a very large, dark red stain on the white bathroom mat which was under very pale looking Even. His normally flowing blonde locks sat matted to his head. The pale blue t-shirt and grey sweatpants he was wearing were smudged with blood. He was lying on his side with his feet toward the door, it was obvious that he had collapsed from blood loss. Isak’s vision blurred in and out of focus and black dots swam in front of him. He brought his clammy hands up to wipe the curly blonde hair away from his face and his stomach lurched. His sandwich he ate for lunch and the the chocolate milk he had drunk earlier threatened to make an appearance and he dropped down to his knees. 

“Evy, baby, what happened to you?” Tears leaked out of Isak’s eyes when he saw the deep cut in Even’s left wrist as well as a smaller cut in his right one. Even still seemed to be partially conscious but incapable of speech. Isak grabbed two towels from the rack and wrapped them around Even’s wrists attempting to apply his first aid knowledge from a class he took a couple years ago. 

“Okay, what’s next,” Isak’s hands shook as he applied pressure on the wounds. A low groan escaped Even’s chapped lips and Isak jumped up to grab his cell phone from the bedroom. 

“Shhh, you’re going to be alright. Just stay with me.” Isak ran to his room and tried to unlock his phone. “No, no, no, no.” His hands were so clammy the touch screen wasn’t responding to where he touched it. He furiously rubbed the sweat off his hands onto his pants, rushed back to the bathroom as he dialled 9-1-1 and knelt beside Even. He started to apply direct pressure again when he heard a woman’s voice on the other line.

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?” 

“Uh, um, my boyfriend tried to commit suicide.” Isak said with a shaking voice.

“What is your address?”

“Deichmans Gate 5, City Centre “

“Okay, we have an ambulance coming to you now. What is your name and your boyfriend’s name?”

“Isak and Even.”

“Isak, does Even have a psychiatric disorder?” 

“Yes he is bipolar. And I’ve already got some towels and I’m applying direct pressure to his wrists where he cut himself.”

“Okay good work. I’m just going to talk you through the rest till the EMTs arrive.” She continued to speak but Isak quickly lost focus. He took a deep breath as more tears trailed down his cheeks. How could he let himself be so stupid that he didn’t notice any warning signs? Well, he did notice a few but he blamed it on exams. The medication he just started must have made the manic stage less noticeable so he didn’t even know to look for signs of depression or suicidal thoughts. Even, someone who he loves so much, was dying right in front of his eyes and all he could do try to stop it was hold bloody towels to his cuts and hope for the best. What a failure.

“I was supposed to be there for you, I was supposed to look out for you.” Isak placed his hot forehead onto Even’s cold and clammy one. “I’m so in love with you Even Bech Næsheim. What have I done?”

“It’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself for this Isak.” Even’s voice was scarcely above a whisper. “I’m sorry I put you through this.” Even said and then groaned, curling in on himself and weakly coughing. Isak kissed Even gently on the head and tears flowed down his cheeks. Right then Isak heard a loud knock on the door, so he and rushed to open it for the paramedics. Four people quickly made their way into the flat with a rolling stretcher and various first aid equipment. 

“Where is he?” A tall woman asked Isak, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Um, right through there, in the bathroom.” Isak responded. He followed them to the bathroom door frame and looked down at the scene before him. They quickly picked up a very fragile looking Even and placed him on the stretcher. The EMTs all bustled around Even, busying themselves with various tasks as they started to roll him down the hallway and towards the door. Isak closed the door behind him as they left the apartment and took the stairs while the paramedics took the elevator with Even and the stretcher. 

Outside the building they started to load Even into the back of the ambulance. 

“Can I please come?” Isak asked a smaller women with glasses. 

“Yeah okay, but since Even is in such a critical condition you will need to sit in the front.” She said with some sympathy in her eyes. Isak smiled slightly, climbed in the passenger seat and they were off.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm warning you now that this is not a happy chapter. It includes references to suicide, self harm, depression and bipolar disorder. Please read at your own discretion.

Even blinked, opened his eyes and the hospital room ceiling slowly came into focus. His head hurt like he couldn’t believe, his arms ached, and he was having problems keeping his eyes looking forward. After his head stopped spinning, it took a full minute before he could figure out where he was. Even was suddenly hit with a wave of nausea and he dry heaved over the side of the bed a few times but nothing come up. His eyes were watering and he was out of breath but eventually the tight pain in his stomach lessened slightly.

“What have I done?” Even thought to himself as he laid back down. He briefly looked around the room and found it to be an average single hospital room. Drab beige walls, a square window, a couple plastic chairs, and two doors, one leading to a small bathroom and the other leading to a hallway. White sheets and a thin blanket was covering Even’s body from the chest down and a heart rate monitor beeped over his right shoulder. An IV-fluid was on a drip into the inside of his right elbow.

Even was still trying to figure out how he could have missed the signs that his mental health was plummeting so quickly. Well, he sort of did have a bit of a manic episode that last week of school before the start of exam break, but really, it was only a few late nights. Plus, now that he thinks about did have quite a difficult time focusing but he had just brushed it off as anxiety because of all the assignments piling up. You would think that after how many years of being diagnosed with bipolar disorder he would have more of a handle on his life. 

His whole body ached as if he had just run a marathon. His throat felt rough and scratchy and it hurt to swallow. A pain that was continually running up and down his arms was different than anything he had ever experienced before. It was nothing he could control, it didn’t matter how much he adjusted his position, there was consistently this tingling ache from the tips of his fingers up into the tops of his arms. It was maddening. 

There is something about pain that had always fascinated Even. How we can withstand so much more pain when we are the ones hurting ourselves? Why does falling off a bike cause pain that is so much more intense than using your own hands to scrape at your thighs until they start to bleed? When you know it’s coming it’s easier. Simpler. Pain is so much more bearable when you know how long it is going last. That is what makes depression so difficult. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. You can’t remember the last time you laughed or even smiled. When was the last time Even had smiled? Two weeks ago? Two months ago? He didn’t have the slightest idea. 

Thinking back to those hours before he tried to drain the life out of himself through the slits in his wrists, Even didn’t really remember much. He remembered lying there in the dark when Isak’s alarm went off and his boyfriend got up and went to the shower. He remembered Isak’s warm lips pressing a dry kiss to his forehead and slipping out the door, saying something Even didn’t really understand. After that it was so quiet the silence pressed into his chest and his eyes, settling a darkness into his bones. He had tried to call for Isak in the house from his spot in the bedroom but all that answered him was the heavy quiet. He slipped further down and down into his own thoughts. Where was Isak? He must have been gone for hours now and he could recall anything from what they talked about last night. He could only form one conclusion. That Isak had left him. Really, how could Isak possibly love him anyway? He was a complete and utter mess. He couldn’t even graduate high school when everyone else his age did. Each breath he took just further cemented it into his heart that he would never see him again and took him deeper down into his own head.

After that point everything got very hazy. He had gotten up and went to the kitchen and also went to the bathroom at some point. He also remembered filling up the sink with water so he wouldn’t make a mess. Finally he locked the door and after that moment everything was just white noise.

Which brings him to now. He felt completely empty. No substance. Nothing. Like a Ukrainian easter egg, beautiful on the outside but fragile and breakable. Good for nothing except to be admired from afar, but no one wants to get too close. But it’s too late now. And he wasn’t just cracked, he was fucking shattered. Broken. Utterly useless. A failure. He couldn’t even succeed at killing himself. How many times had he been successful in different parallel universes? Even closed his eyes and he could feel himself sinking into the mattress beneath him. What if he just sunk deeper and deeper till the earth just swallowed him whole? Sinking, further and further till he got to those parallel universes so he could visit all his other, better, selves. Ones who do well in school because they don’t miss class. Ones that didn’t need to take medication to get the motivation to at least get out of bed in the morning. Ones who lived in Canada and Brazil and Japan and Italy and have a completely different life. Ones with the freedom to not have to worry about the next manic or depressive episode. Ones that never get too happy or too sad, they are just normal. Really, that’s all Even wanted anyways. Normality. Consistence. To be loved by someone. And in everyone of those universes Even would always find Isak. Because Isak is his soulmate. And soulmates are never apart. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, they will find each other every single time. But the Even in this universe does not deserve Isak. The Even in this universe is a defect. This disorder will ruin Isak just like it ruins everything else that is in Even’s life. And he won’t allow that to happen. This will be the one universe when they will not be together. 

Even was snapped back to reality by the sound of a group of doctors, pushing a gurney down the hall, talking loudly to each other. I guess it was time to see what damage had been done.

He started to pull out his hands from under the blanket to push the call button for a nurse, but they felt numb and swollen. After using an unexpected amount of energy for that simple action, Even realized why is felt like he was wearing boxing gloves. There were thick bandages covering from the middle of his hands up to about the middle of his forearms. Lifting his left elbow he found the button on the panel above him and pushed it. Thirty seconds later a nurse came bustling into the room holding a clip board and 5 different bottles of medications. 

“Oh Even honey, you’re awake!” She said cheerfully, bustling around the room. “Do you know where you are?” She asked and came over to his bed, feeling his forehead for a fever and looking at the various pieces of equipment and monitors behind him and wrote different notes and numbers down.

“Uh... at the hospital?” His throat scratched when he talked and he cleared his throat. 

“Yes, more specifically the psychiatric ward here.” She replied. “Could you please look here,” she held up her finger in front of his face and shone a bright light in both of his eyes. “Okay everything looks fine physically, but how are you feeling mentally? You have been out for a day and a half and the medication is probably making you groggy, but...” she trailed off as she jotted down some more notes on her clipboard. 

“Fuck, I need to find Isak now,” All of a sudden aware of the pressing task at hand. He tried to attempt to pull himself together so he could get out of bed and go find him. He needs to set things straight, and talk to him. Even if it makes Isak hate Even more than he already does. The heart rate monitor started to beep louder as he tried to use his very immobile hands to untuck the blankets.

“Woah there Even, you aren’t going anywhere right now, just calm down.” An authoritative tone taking over the nurse’s voice. 

“No. You don’t understand, I need to talk to him right this second. He probably hates me now. But he might be wondering-” 

“Even, stop. Isak has been by your side the whole time you’ve been here. Last night I practically had to physically drag him out of this room when visiting hours were over. It’s actually unbelievable that the one time he actually stepped out to get some food for himself you wake up.”

“Wait, what?” Even thought that Isak had left him at the apartment alone, “But I thought that Isak had left me and never wanted to see me again. He’s been here the whole time?”

“Oh honey,” the nurse said quietly and patted him on the shoulder. “Isak’s the one who found you and brought you here. He definitely does not hate you. In fact you wouldn’t believe the amount of times I found him crammed in beside you on this tiny bed. He was actually getting to be quite a nuisance now that I think about it-”

All of a sudden, Even could feel a sheen of sweat break out on his face and he felt a bit dizzy. The room around him slowly blurred in and out of focus and he leaned against the back of the bed and tried to swallow the nausea that was building up in his stomach. He looked up at the nurse’s patterned scrubs and the colours became one painting, too large, too intense, too bright.

“Even? Can you hear me?”

The nurse leaning over his bed swam in front of his eyes, in a kaleidoscope, a picture he could see but couldn’t make sense of. After a few deep breaths and a sip of water from the nurse the dizziness had subsided but the nausea came back in full force. He looked over the side of the bed for a garbage can and one instantly swooped up in front of his face. Thankfully the nurse had lightning fast reaction time because next thing Even knew he was gagging so hard he saw stars. After a few more rounds of heaving with nothing coming up, he laid back down and closed his eyes, trying to calm his pounding heart. He laid there for a few minutes while he could her the nurse moving around the room, making more notes and fiddling with her bottles of medication. 

“There we go, deep breaths sweetie,” The nurse cooed from somewhere beside him. Even slowly opened his eyes and the room was back in focus.

“So Isak is here in the hospital?” 

“Yep, he sure is. Are you feeling better now? No more nausea? Because if you’re going to throw up again you need to tell me.” 

“Yes, it’s passed.” She was staring at him, looking concerned about Even but didn’t mention it further.

Even couldn’t help it when he felt tears spring to his eyes when her remembered the news. Isak didn’t hate him, Isak was here, now.

She tucked him back into bed and handed him a styrofoam cup of water and two pills. “Once I see you swallow these and drink this water then I can find him.” Even looked suspiciously at the small white medication.

“They will help with the pain and the nausea. Don’t worry.” Quickly, Even grabbed the items from the nurse, took both tablets in one gulp and practically chugged the water, much to the disagreement from his aching stomach.

“Woah there, slow down a bit, would you? I’ll go get Isak for you now, but you better not move one muscle in that bed mister. Got it?” Even nodded quickly. “And expect routine visits from me every 15 minutes.” The nurse took one last look at him and stepped outside, taking her clipboard and bottles of medication with her. 

Even felt exhausted and his head was still pounding. But at least he had gotten some good news, Isak didn’t leave him. He was here probably on his way to Even’s room right now. He looked down beside the bed and saw his school backpack sitting on the floor with his phone inside the open pocket. But when he went to reach down to grab it, a sharp pain shot up his arms. Even cried out and tears flooded his eyes. 

Gasping, Even recoiled back to his seated position and attempted to breathe through the spasms of pain running along the underside of his arms. It felt as if hot knifes were moving inside his muscles, from the tips of his fingertips to above his elbows, leaving a sharp prickling behind in their wake. It was a pain similar to when he first woke up, except this time much stronger. This loud, shrill beeping starting going off in his head which made it even more difficult to concentrate. After about twenty seconds, Even started to panic. The pain wasn’t subsiding, if anything it was getting worse with every movement. His throat and lungs were constricting and it was becoming increasingly more difficult for Even to breathe. He reached up for the call button as a last ditch effort, but his hand didn’t even made it halfway there before the pain was traveling all the way up into his neck and back, forcing him to drop his arm. The beeping in his head was becoming louder and louder and he looked to the side and realized it was his heart rate monitor making the noise. Even let out a strangled cry and slumped on to the bed in defeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this chapter of Patience, don't worry things are going to get happier. Please leave a comment with your thoughts or talk to me on tumblr @please-stop.


	3. Chapter 3

Isak was walking back to Even’s room with a steaming cup of tea from the cafeteria when he heard a loud shout come from down the hall. His tea almost slipped out of his hands at the noise but he barely managed to catch it. Isak started to run down the hallway in the direction of Even’s room.

Was Even awake? Is he in pain? Did the scream not even come from Even’s room and he was just overreacting? Isak’s thoughts rushed through his head as he weaved past patients, nurses and doctors in a rush to get to his boyfriend. He burst through the half-closed door, set his tea down on a nearby table and was met with the sight of Even curled up on the bed, frozen, with his wavy hair falling in locks over his strained expression. Isak’s stomach dropped.

“What’s wrong? What hurts?” Isak rushed to his side and placed his hand on Even’s shoulder. 

Even was only able to mutter, “My hands-” before his eyes were squeezing shut and he was visibly shaking from the pain of it as his breath heaved heavily in and out of his chest. 

“Even? What’s happening?” Isak quickly hit the call button, panicked. All Even was able to do was groan as tears leaked out of his eyes and onto his cheeks. The usual daytime nurse, Susie, entered the room and was taken aback for a second at the sight but immediately went to Even’s side. 

“Even, shhh shhh you’re okay,” she softly told him while she fiddled with his medication drip. Her face was laced with concern, obviously quite startled from Even’s symptoms. All Isak could do was rub Even’s back and try to think of comforting words to say to him while his boyfriend clutched at his wrists and rocked back and forth on the hospital bed. Isak could feel Even’s pounding heart under his touch and each thump felt like a punch to the stomach. He couldn’t help but feel extremely guilty for not being here when Even woke up. 

After about 5 minutes, the medication kicked in and the pain had subsided enough that Even was finally able to relax slightly. The nurse had to leave to attend to another patient, but she promised Even’s doctor would be back in less than five minutes to sort everything out. As soon as she was out the door, Isak was climbing into the small bed with his chest to Even’s back, careful not to touch his bandaged wrists. Isak could feel Even’s rapid heartbeat through the gap in the back of his hospital gown.

“We’re going to get through this together. I know we can.” Isak whispered in Even’s ear and nervously fiddled with the blanket, pulling it up to Even’s throat.

“I’m not sure why you are here right now. I thought you had left me for good.” Even said with a blank stare on his face. Isak could see the salty wetness on his cheeks and eyelashes and his heart sank. 

“Even, honey...” He scooted a bit closer and adjusted his hand so he could wipe the drying tears away. As soon as Isak’s thumb touched Even’s cheek, Even jumped away from him so fast he almost fell off the other side of the bed. Isak’s chest constricted and he froze in place. 

“Why would you think that?” Isak said cautiously as he put his hand back down, making sure to keep adequate space between Even and himself.

“Because you were gone. You didn’t come back all morning. I thought you had realized how worthless I am. I don’t even know why you would even want me in the first place.” Isak let out a breath he didn’t even know he had been holding. He rolled out of the bed, walked around to the other side and bent down slightly so he could look Even in the eyes.

“Even, I need you to listen to me right now. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“I am not leaving you, I will always be with you as long as you’ll have me. Do you remember the day after halloween when we were laying in my bed together?” Isak moved slightly closer to Even’s face.

“Not really, I can’t even remember last week.” 

“That’s okay. We were talking about parallel universes and infinity and stuff. And you said, ‘Can’t I just stay here forever?’ and I said, ‘You can.’ And you know what Even? That is still completely true. You will always have a space in my life. I don’t care one bit about your illness. It doesn’t matter to me. Because you are so much more than that. Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“I know it can be hard and sometimes you might forget, but I will always be here to remind you. No matter what.” Even nodded and a tear slipped down his cheek into the bedding. “Baby, don’t cry. You are going to be okay. I know it.”

Isak then heard someone lightly knock and enter the room. It was a tall, grey-haired woman wearing a white lab coat and a stethoscope around her neck.

“Hello guys, sorry to interrupt. My name is Camilla Johansen and I am Even’s doctor. Nice to meet you two” She held out her hand in Isak’s direction. 

“Hi, I’m Isak Valterson, Even’s boyfriend.” He shook Dr. Johansen’s hand and gave her a small smile.

“Okay, let’s take a look here.” 

She took a brief look over Even as she approached the bed. Isak could tell she was quite concerned. Even was very pale, the skin on his face and neck looking translucent, ghost-like even. His hair looked greasy and dull, sitting in clumps on his head and his eyes were bloodshot, probably from all the crying. Isak has never seen Even look so beaten down before, even after his manic episode in December. 

“Okay, so Even I’m just going to ask you some questions and do a couple simple tests so I can get a gauge on both your mental and physical state.” She put her open laptop onto the table and started typing at lightning speed. “I know you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder 3 years ago and you have been on and off medication for it. When was your last episode before this one?”

“Uh,” His voice scratched and cleared his throat. “About the middle of December I guess.”

“Okay, and are you currently on any medication right now?”

“Well other than the stuff that’s being pumped into me right now, no.”

“Uh huh. Do you feel like you want to hurt yourself?” 

“No.”

“Okay, that’s great Even. So please just pull down the top of your gown so I can listen to your heart now.” Even sat up straight and started to lift his arms to undo the loose bow at the back base of his neck and winced slightly. Isak immediately jumped in to help him. He lightly pulled one of the strings to undo the bow and then opened the back and moved the fabric off Even’s shoulders. He could see the bones in his shoulders and spine protruding and he could see each one of his ribs clearly through his skin. When Isak went to sit back down he glimpsed at Even and there was one expression very clearly on his face. Shame. Even was embarrassed that he was in pain. He was embarrassed that he attempted suicide. He was embarrassed of his bipolar disorder. 

Dr. Johansen placed her stethoscope in her ears and positioned it over Even’s heart. 

“Take a deep breath for me.” Even took a shuddery breath and Dr. Johansen moved the metal circle to the right side of his chest. “Okay, again please.”

She proceeded to move the stethoscope around Even’s chest and upper back, having him take a breath every time. She put the device back around her neck and typed some more information into her computer. She then took Even’s blood pressure, looked into his ears, eyes and throat, all while taking various notes.

“Okay Even, I just have one more test to do and then you may rest again.” Even nodded, obviously still feeling self conscious about all the attention he was receiving. 

Dr. Johansen walked across the room and opened a cupboard, then grabbed a very scary looking instrument from somewhere in the back corner of the storage compartment. It looked to be almost a small pizza cutter, but instead of having a blade around the edge of the circle it had small spikes. Isak saw Even visibly tense up on the bed.

“Don’t worry, I promise it’s not as bad as it looks. I will just lightly roll it against your skin and you just have to tell me on a scale of one to ten how well you can feel the metal.”

“Mhmm...” 

“Okay, here we go. I just need you to look away so your sense of sight doesn’t interfere with the results.” Even turned his head slightly away from the doctor and she lightly rolled it about 3 centimetres from the top of his shoulder in the direction of his hands.

“Uh, nine I guess.”

“Okay, that’s good. I’ll keep going.” She rolled another line down Even’s arm, this time slightly closer towards his hand.

“That’s about a five.” She rolled one more line down his arm, so that is almost touched the bandages covering the middle of his forearm. She took the roller away and waited for Even’s response, but it didn’t come.

“Even? What number was that?”

“You touched me?” Even turned his head around with a frown on his face. “I didn’t feel anything.”

“You can’t feel this?” Dr. Johansen gently rolled the spikes up and down near his bandages again and looked up expectantly.

“No, not at all.” Even’s face fell and Isak’s stomach flipped. Something was very wrong.

The doctor did the same test various spots on both arms and the results were the same. Even started to lose feeling below his elbow and had no feeling by the middle of his forearm. 

“ So, it looks like you’ve got some severe nerve damage where your cuts are and most likely down to your fingertips is completely numb. That burning, tingling pain you were feeling in your arms and hands is a result of the cuts. You’re going to have to go in for an MRI and get an EMG so I can fully see what damage has been done. But Even, I’m telling you now there is a chance you will have complete loss of all fine motor skills in your hands permanently.”

Isak could see Even’s chin start to tremble, a sign he was trying not to cry. 

“Please try to keep your hands and arms as still as possible and get a lot of rest. Your body needs it to heal.”  
She then turned to Isak and gestured for him to step into the hallway. When he had closed the door behind him, Dr. Johansen said in a quieter voice, “This time of recovery is going to be very hard for Even and I need you to be there for him one hundred percent. As you have probably figured out already, no one but immediate family should be visiting patients in this wing of the hospital, but I have given you special permission to be here because I believe that would be best for Even. So I need you to keep me updated and please press the call button if anything out of the ordinary happens.”

“Okay, I will do that. Thank you.” Isak replied. She gave a quick nod and turned the other way, disappearing into crowded hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and feel free to comment if you have time! I love reading them and they always give me motivation to work on more chapters.
> 
> If you would like to find my on tumblr I am: @please-stop


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even are still struggling to adapt to life after the attempt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone,
> 
> I bet you thought I gave up on this fic but... here I am! I am really insecure about my writing so it takes me forever to write anything and I'm sorry about that. 
> 
> Please heed the warnings in the tags, this chapter gets dark.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Isak walked back into the room and quietly shut the door behind him, this time without the doctor. He picked up his now lukewarm cup of tea and took a sip, looking at Even. Even felt his face blush as he realized he hadn’t put his hospital gown back on his upper body after Dr. Johansen had listened to his heart. He could feel his face burn as he tried to force his arms through the holes, but his joints were not cooperating whatsoever.

“Even. Take a breath and let me help you.” Isak said calmly. He carefully guided Even’s arms through the two holes in the gown and lifted it up to his neck. Even frowned and looked down at his bandaged arms and hands. He was the one supposed to be taking care of Isak, not the other way around. Isak finished tying a bow at the back of his neck and carefully adjusted the IV and other tubes and wires hooked up to Even and took a seat next to him on the bed. 

Even could feel the lull of sleep start to pull him under, no doubt because of the drugs. He laid back in the bed and let Isak adjust his pillow and blanket. 

“Just sleep baby. I promise I’ll be here when you wake up.” Isak whispered before Even closed his eyes and slipped into a dreamless sleep.

~

Even woke up feeling groggy and disoriented. He groaned and rolled over to face Isak who was absentmindedly stroking Even’s leg while reading over some notes. He looked over and smiled, putting the notebook to the side.

“How are you feeling?” Isak asked.

“Uh, not great. A bit hungry I guess.” 

“Okay, I’ll just ask Susie if she could get you a snack. It’s in between lunch and dinner right now but I’m sure she could find something.” Isak stood up and walked out in search of the nurse. 

After Isak was gone, Even looked down at his hands and he felt his eyes start to tear up. He tapped his finger tips together but felt nothing. The only thing that Even had felt in his hands since he woke up was that awful prickling pain and muscle spasms. 

“How could anyone love this mess?” Even thought to himself, the tears rolling down his cheeks now. “Everyone would be better off without me. Isak, my parents, my friends, my teachers. Their lives would be so much easier without me in it.” Even sat up in bed and tried to wipe his face on the short sleeves of his gown. He placed his head in his hand and started to sob uncontrollably, his chest heaving with every gasp. His thoughts were coming too fast now, and his mind kicked into overdrive. 

Even needed to feel something physical to make it stop. Normally he would just use his nails to create the pain needed for him to focus, but his hands were basically just useless lumps at the moment so that wouldn’t work. He started to scan the room for anything sharp, but quickly realized he was obviously in the psychiatric ward and even the corners of the table had been sanded down. Even stood up on wobbly legs, took a couple steps and banged his right thigh on the bedside table. The room blurred from the tears in his eyes and he couldn’t find his centre of gravity. All of a sudden the floor swooped up towards his face and Even’s knees hit the floor hard. 

“That was close.” Even thought to himself as he placed his cheek on the floor beneath him and adjusted his shoulder on the floor. He gazed under the bed and immediately saw what he needed, a plastic pen cap. Even managed to coordinate his arms enough to grab it and stick it between his teeth. 

Gripping the pen cap in the corner of his mouth, Even started to scratch at his exposed thighs with the sharp plastic. While focusing on drawing dark red lines across his legs and the pain that came with it, Even’s thoughts started to clear. 

Even had managed to draw blood in quite a few spots by the time Isak came back into the room, holding a warm bowl of soup for his boyfriend. 

“Even? Are you in the bathroom?” Isak called into the seemingly empty room. 

Even quickly shoved the pen lid back under the bed and attempted to get up on his scratched legs, “Oh, I’m just right here.” He quickly sat down and adjusted his gown so it came past his knees. 

“Baby? What are you doing on the floor?” Isak rushed to Even’s side and tucked him into bed. “Did you fall and hurt yourself?” 

“Uh, no I just dropped something, don’t worry.” Isak looked as if he was trying to hide the concern on his face but Even could read his face easily. 

“Okay. Well I brought you some soup, it was all they had so I hope it’s okay.” Isak said as he placed the tray on Even’s lap. He retreated back to an armchair sitting near the bathroom, pulled out a textbook and started to read.

Although Isak was trying to hide the worry in his face and his frequent glances up to look up at his boyfriend, Even could still feel Isak’s eyes burning into him from across the room as he stared into the bottom of his bowl and struggled with the spoon. After a few minutes of Even slowly getting more and more frustrated at his inability to feed himself, he let out a huff. 

“Even? Do you need some help?” Isak asked quietly, moving his book to get up.

“No I’m fine.”

“It wouldn’t be a trouble, I don’t want you to hurt your h-”

“I said I’m fine!” Even’s words came out harsher than expected. Isak eased himself back into his seat and grabbed his book, his throat moving as he swallowed. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” Isak’s voice was quiet as he spoke, and across the room Even saw his lip start to tremble. Isak moved his book to try to hide his face and pulled his feet up under himself in the chair. 

Even felt his chest burn with guilt as he looked at the image of his boyfriend in front of him. His hair was unruly, he had dark bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, the large t-shirt he was wearing (that was undoubtedly Even’s) looked like it hadn’t been changed for days and hung off Isak’s small frame at an awkward angle. 

Even’s thoughts ran through his brain, trying to think of some way to apologize, and actually start communicating. He laid back in his bed and looked up at the fluorescent lighting on the ceiling. Just as Even was opening his mouth to say something, a man walked into the room. 

“Hello Even, I will be your therapist during your stay in the hospital.” He made a pointed look towards Isak, “I would like to speak to you in private now please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You made it! If you want me to write more please just keep bugging me in the comments and I promise I will. Let me know if you have any suggestions for future chapters (please don't be too mean) and I can definitely try and incorporate them.

**Author's Note:**

> The title of the fic is from a song by The Lumineers. I would highly recommend listening to it.


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